It’s been a while.

 

It’s been a hell of a year. In January I was unemployed. By May I was on another construction crew making $10 an hour. It took me two months to climb over the top of everyone. It was easy. All it took was discipline and a few minds games here and there. Oh and plus I fucking bring it. Once again I’m the smallest dude there. It’s fun to watch them try to keep up. They think I’m insane. Mainly it’s my desire for success outweighing theirs. It helps that I’m up at 4 am and in the gym by 5:30. I leave the gym around 7 and I’m at work by 8.

By the time I’m at work I’ve already pushed passed where I was the day before or completely failed myself. Either way, it sets the bar very high. I taunt the weakness that never ceases to pervade my crew. I put on 15 lbs… and my boss quit calling me skinny.

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Before I go to far… I’ve failed at many things this last Summer. I’m still figuring it out as well. I’ve lost a huge piece of my patience for people around me. I met goals I had set for myself. It wasn’t enough. Not everyone was able to keep up. I lashed out at them and myself more than I can truly admit to myself.

My ego grew twice the size. I’m still wrestling an ever growing anger problem. Patience is hard to come by. Especially when you’re wading through the idiot masses. There aren’t many people with goals. There aren’t many with anything to offer. I never was very good at socializing with people I don’t respect.

I’m working on not letting them dictate my mood. This is harder than I thought it’d be.

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For now I can’t say how long it’ll be until I post again. I have a lot of things to wrap up. I’ll probably be back as Winter comes crashing in with the plague of a thousands snows. Until then go lift some weights, eat pork by the tons, pick some fights, hail to the old gods, and fuck beautiful women.

I’ll be back.

 

I’m almost finished here…

I think I’ll be done blogging soon. I have so much going on… a backpacking trip in June that will be preceded and followed with random backpacking, a new job, a side project, a cousin and a close friend hit me up to play bass in a band, a garden I can’t wait to harvest, a new workout routine, and more than a few batches of wine. I have my hands full.

I knew this year was going to be work. I had too much free time this past winter.

The world spins on. Shuffling feet. Gusts of wind. An endless setting sun. There’s too much to do to be sitting on WordPress. I keep comparing it to Facebook. I don’t know any of you personally. I don’t care about this like I did. All I want to do is work, play, eat, drink, fight, fuck, and sleep. Preferably in that order.

It’s hard to push any posts out. I don’t give a shit about this right now.

A cleansing worshipping of pain

My fists harden more and more with time. My heart pounds against each breath. Gravity challenges my body to overcome it’s eternal grasp. My bottom lip has been split in two. Segregated by a thick gash lost in futile attempts of healing itself. Blood drips with random stings of pain and forms dried streaks in my beard. I pulled something in my left leg a few minutes ago. My calloused hands wear away the handle of a sledge hammer that’ll be broken by the weekend.

I think back to when I was young.

My grandfathers’ hands were like stone. They both commanded respect with nothing more than a look on their face. Machines broke down for mere minutes. Wrenches, gears, and bolts flew into a conformity they had once refused. Led by ingenuity and hands of stone. The farms I was raised on were led by hands of stone.

I snap back to the present.

Sweat pours down my legs. Blood drips from my face into the dirt beneath my feet. The mud coating my arms is starting to dry. I’m alive. I notice that my pack of cigarettes have been crushed in my pocket. Smoke fills my lungs. I am killing myself. I notice my arms starting to develop a tan again. I feel my neck exploding against it’s own skin. I’ve never been this strong before. My heart is still pounding.

I am not a child of any god. I am not a man of words. I am not a dreamer. I am a violent entity. I don’t belong to a fight club that meets once a week. My fight club begins when I step out of bed. It ends when I collapse on the floor.

I am not a consumer. I am a producer. If I’m not killing myself I don’t feel alive… and I blog on the side.

 

———————

Lyrics are below. The video is beyond goofy as all fuck.

I’m a carnal, organic anagram
Human flesh instead of written letters
I rearrange my pathetic tissue
I incise, I replace, I’m reformedI eradicate the fake, pre-present me
Elevate me to a higher human form
The characters I am
Made into a word complete then I’ll be the new norm

Self inflicted fractures
I replace my bones with bars
Aluminum bleeding oxide
The drug of Gods into my pounding veins

My receiving eyes exchanged with fuses
Blindness induced to prevent destruction
Ceramic blades implanted
Past my ribs to save me from the dues of inhalation

I tear my worldly useless skin
Staples to pin it over my ears
Non-receptive of ungodly sounds
I disable the audio generators of fear

Hexagonal bolts to fill my mouth
Sharpened to deplete
The creator of all violence
Without speech there will be no deceit

Baptized in vitriolic acid
A final touch, a smoothing of features
Completion of the greatest art
To cast the godly creatures

Humans, once astray, made divine
Stripped of congenital flaws
We’re incandescent
Revelations in a world of darkened forms

Disciples, come join with me
To save a failed humanity
Follow the God of cyanide
Into the new eternity

Behold a sacrificial erase
A cleansing worshiping of pain
The new millennium Christ
Here to redeem all from lies, lies

 

Hails and Announcing a Short Hiatus

—–

I’ll be taking a small leave from publishing any posts. I’ll be around. I’ve taken on quite a challenge as of today and will be channeling all I have to get this new project going. I’ve also got to find a reliable source of income until I get other shit together. I’ve got more than enough to work on.

In short I’m really pressed for time. I’m going to leave you with a few links.

I’ve found these people very inspiring these last few weeks. It’s a strange coincidence that the powers of the internet led me to the following websites at the time it did. Some sort of omen. A power I’d rather brush off as superstition has placed far too much information at my feet all at once, and at an interesting time.

I’ve recently delved head first into the writings of Craig and Lucy Fraser as well as Paul Waggener/Grimnir. They work together somehow on the Centurion Method. I haven’t quite figured out who does what or where to pay respects…

Craig and Lucy run Sigurd Strong and I believe Craig was the creator of The Centurion Method. Sigurd is a great blog for anyone delving into the ways of old and carving a stronger physique. They also have merch and books for sale. I’m currently in the middle of Sigurd: Book of the Heroic Outlaw. I can’t praise this work enough. Here’s their store. Currently everything is sold out or coming soon… I’m really glad I grabbed a copy of Sigurd while I could. Those t-shirts look sick as hell. I’ll be getting one of those when they drop…

Grimnir, from what I’ve gathered, is the head of a clan called The Wolves of Vinland. He has a personal blog here. The Wolves also have a blog here. This dude isn’t fucking around. Check out what he has to say. He’s also got a few videos on Youtube. It’s very nice to see someone with such a refreshing definition of life.

A storm is rolling in. I’m going to go outside and sit in the rain. Here is another song. I’ll be back in a bit.

—–

I quit another shit job.

—–

These are dark days for me. After I post this I’m going to look for a new job. Because I walked out on mine. The job market is complete shit. But what isn’t anymmore? So… I jumped ship again. It’s getting harder to find a place I fit into in this world. Working towards becoming something more will shine through in your day to day actions. “They” want to push you back down. “They” want to hold you back. You’ll be seen as a threat. Even if you don’t want to be.

I decided to quit my job Saturday. Tension had been building. I was told to do something I will never do. It was a degrading task. I refused. I was met with arguments against my stance. One of my equals asked me what the “big deal” was. I didn’t explain myself.

“Big deal? It’s not a big deal. I’m just not going to do it.”

“You need to step up man. Everyone else around here does their part for the team.”

“Why is it you’re not jumping at the chance then? It’s not too late to volunteer.”

I couldn’t go through with letting people below my level lead me. A few things brought me to this. One specific action led to losing any and all respect I could ever have for these people. Last week I had made myself a target by showing these people a part of my life. They met my wife. After, I dealt with childish attitudes and tantrums. I watched them try to explain how I could attract a girl like her to each other. Between sets of cold shoulders they watched my every move waiting for me to fuck up. They told on me everyday. I was told to step up followed by threats of being replaced. I knew I’d be losing the job as soon as they found someone that would make a better pet. I had made too many enemies. My boss confronted me everyday last week about my performance. It came out of nowhere and wasn’t a valid accusation.

Then came the ridiculous demand. Once I refused, tensions became an all time high. It’s nothing new to walk around a corner to find a huddle of people talking shit about me. This was something I hadn’t seen… They grew balls. They were openly calling me “a piece of shit” no more than 20 ft. away from me. I called them out. They backed off and pretended that they were talking about someone else.

The only reason I was asked to do the task that is too embarrassing to describe was the fact that they had painted a target on my back. Once their initial attacks did nothing to sway me they changed their tactics. They wanted me to quit. But they wanted me to do so on their terms. I realized what was going on miles before we got to this point. I realized that they needed me this weekend. They didn’t realize that their need for me was greater than my need for them.

They didn’t think I’d drop them in a pile of their own shit moments before one of the biggest days of the year.

I stewed. I feigned compliance. They confused my smile for sincerity. As hands were dealt I drew aces.

I asked them if my decision had created more tension. I was pretending to bluff. I pretended to be scared for my job.

“So, everyone’s mad at me now? Because I won’t do this one thing that doesn’t even fall into my job description?”

My boss was the first to reply.

“Well, I can’t make you do that. But I can remember that shit.”

His right hand man chimed in with a giggle and “OOOOH!”

I met this with eye contact and a smirk. I placed my finger to my lips.

“Ssssh…”

He looked away and resumed his role as observer and pet. He looked to his master. His master walked around aimlessly for a moment. I was looking for them to place more bets. He paced back and forth and I spoke up once more.

“So, is that a threat or are you joking? I didn’t think this would be an issue. Honestly, I thought you were joking when I was asked to do it. That’s how ridiculous the whole thing is.”

He avoided eye contact and looked at our schedule posted on the wall. He let out a chuckle and followed with a sarcastic, “Nah, I’m just kidding.”

He took his pet outside and another guy showed up for his shift. He’s actually an alright dude. Lazy as fuck. But he minds his own business and as long as he doesn’t have to work he’s in a really good mood. I helped him get started and answered a few “how to” questions he had. I helped him, but I was just keeping busy until the boss man showed his face again.

“Man, I’ll help you get started because I know they’re dicks and won’t. But I’m about to walk out, so if I look or sound like I don’t give a shit it’s not you. It’s me. Well, it’s actually them.”

He asked why and didn’t understand after I explained a bit of the situation. I made a last attempt at shedding some light on the subject.

“I’m not going to let a job that doesn’t pay very well dictate who I am or what I do. I drew a line when they took a stab at my integrity. If that was the end of the attack we wouldn’t be having this conversation. I’m not going to deal with belly-aching cry baby cowards day in and day out. This isn’t the only shitty job out there.”

He looked very surprised still.

The boss returned and I pondered on the decision once again. I felt a bit insecure about the whole thing. The 48 Laws of Power came to mind. I realized I was afraid of what was to come. I gave it a moment to set in. It filled every ounce of me. I asked myself what I was afraid of. I couldn’t come up with a good answer. I asked myself where I saw this job taking me. I couldn’t come up with anything good enough to sway me from leaving. I looked back on the last few weeks. I looked at the aces in my hand. I told myself I don’t have a job planned out. I also told myself there is money in the bank and I’d find a job within a week or two.

I stopped what I was doing and clapped my hands together.

“You have some time to go into another room and talk?”

“Sure.”

He looked worried.

“I can’t do this anymore. Every day I come in there is tension. I don’t feel inspired to do well, and that hurts both of us. There’s too much drama for how much money I make. I enjoy the work and I enjoy learning. I’ve made every effort to seize the opportunities available here. I don’t see it going anywhere.”

I prepared for a verbal assault. It didn’t come. He just looked surprised and said, “If that’s how you feel…”

I cut him off. “It is. I’m not left with much choice. Thanks for being cool about it. I’m out.”

I walked to the time clock and punched out. I said “Later” to a few haters. I walked out the door and didn’t look back. I started my car and blasted my favorite Immortal song. As I drove out of the parking lot I rolled my window down and stuck my fist into the wind. I couldn’t help myself.

I shouted out “WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” and began singing along.

It’s very hard to find a job that encourages you to grow. Most people don’t want to be better people. They want you to be shit. When you’re not you will stand out. Unless you’re in a position of authority you won’t last long. Don’t let that control you. Don’t play their games.

Don’t let fear hold you back from where you want to be.

—–

Avoid the majority. Recruit the worthy.

—–

Living a life such as mine means walking a path less traveled.

I’ve found that making new friends is a rare thing as I get older. Sure, anyone can walk into a bar and make a friend. Striking up a conversation about nothing is simple. Going through that motion is almost pointless unless your point is to shoot shit. I don’t see a point in shooting shit. Anyone can get along with anyone, but when it comes to having substance the average person doesn’t have what it takes. People are only trustworthy for as long as it provides something they can obtain. They’ll buy you a drink and make empty offers. Cheap presents. Cheap presence.

They approach life as a parasite. It won’t take long to spot them out in a crowd. They are the majority. It’s harder to find someone of real worth.

People are impossibly stupid. Dealing with “ran-dumbs” means dealing with dumb. There isn’t much you can do to change that. The flock of retards out-and-about grows in number with each passing day. Their petty lives don’t live up to the picture they’ve painted over their mirrors. They believe their own lies. They always force a smile as I unintentionally give cues that I’ve noticed this flaw. They lose face when I show them that I can see through the lies they believe. As if being nice and patting them on the back will make it all better. I see this as a weakness. I see them as weak. I walk away from anyone like this. Or they walk away pissed and feeling less about themselves.

It forces my hand. I sever ties. Maybe I have unrealistic expectations of people, but that’s okay with me. I would rather have a small group of friends I can count on than go through with an empty charade with someone I’ll never respect.

According to NIMH, 26.2% of people 18 and over “suffer” from mental disorders. The “1 in 4 women have a mental disorder” posts that you have read throughout the ‘Sphere forget to mention something important. This “1 in 4″… it goes for men as well. The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention states that suicide was the 10th leading cause of death in America in 2010. They also claim that in that same year someone died from suicide every 13.7 minutes. “…38,364 suicides were reported…”

How are we to socialize with people we don’t know while such a statistic slaps us in the teeth?

Call it pessimism. Call it anti-social. I don’t associate with very many people, and I call it being smart. Vigilant. I may shake hands, give a “Hey”, and shoot some bullshit, but it’s all an act. I don’t trust these people. I don’t give a shit about getting to know them unless there’s an undeniable connection and potential. That doesn’t mean that we like the same bands or agree that a specific political movement is stupid. I have no intention of letting them into my life. Not until enough time has gone by for me to assess their worth. I have standards. I don’t care about average people. You might say that I’m as fucked as the rest. You might be right. I’d have to say that my life has improved non-stop since I quit chugging brews with whoever was down. For many reasons… but I’m attempting to stay on topic for once…

I only put aside so much of my time for hanging out and parties. Actually, I haven’t been to a party in a long time. It lacks substance. The average person lacks substance. Over 25% of them aren’t stable. It’s obvious the majority will fuck you over if you allow them to. I’m just estimating this with zero data on the subject, but I’d put the amount of people in your life that would fuck you over for a can of worms to be higher than 98%. Up the ante and up the probability. I would even put money on that being the main goal of the majority. Not for the sole purpose of fucking someone over. They obviously do it for personal gain. No matter how little. There is no honor. Personal gain is all that matters. And they love the quote… “All is fair in love and war.”

I love this one… “Anyone that gets into a fair fight has no tactical skills.”

Build a clan. Create it from the ground up. Only include people you trust and make them earn their position. Cast out those who break the trust of the group. Cast out those that are weak. Especially those that don’t pull their own weight. Seek out individuals searching for themselves. Show them the way and be their mentor. Help them become the people they want to be. Form an old guard. Squash beefs before they begin. Hand out punishments swiftly and reward slowly. Be skeptical. Be vigilant. Be a leader. Have standards for others and yourself. Build a reputation. Take no shit. Those worth knowing will make themselves known.

This will require more from you than you may be willing to give. If that’s the case find a clan. Learn. Underdog it for a while and rise above.

—–

Watching the change.

——————

I slept in today. When I woke up I lit a cigarette and put on some music. My dogs couldn’t wait to run around outside. I let them out and chased two caps of Cannibal Inferno with a tall glass of Cannibal Ferox. (Both from Chaos and Pain.) I stepped outside wearing only a pair of gym shorts. My bare feet froze against the wet concrete. The cold wind contradicted yesterday’s warm weather. It was nothing more than a reminder of how quickly things can change. I watched the dogs run around chasing away every bird that dared to trespass in their territory. I admired their attempts at the almost-impossible. My stomach churned as it started to break down the pre-game supplements.

I walked back inside. I wasn’t digging my music choices and played a newer album by a similar band. I walked into the bathroom and saw myself in the mirror. My shoulders have grown very quickly. I started to feel the effects of one or both of the supplements. I started out my routine with a random warm up.

I picked up a cinder block and pumped out 25 squats. I walked around a bit. I repeated the squats. I shadow boxed slowly during my “rest”. I pumped out another set. Instead of a rest I went right into pressing the block over my head. A set of 25. I was starting to feel the supplements kick in.

I began. I started with more cinder block squats and jumped to standing skull crushers with an easy curl, interchanging between sets and taking 30 second rests. I grabbed the cinder block and used it like a kettle bell as I did “swings?” (I’m shit with the trending names of these workouts. I’ve heard them called many stupid things…) I interchanged that with forearm curls and repeated the process of 30 second rests. After 5 sets I took a two minute rest and started back at the top. My whole body was blood red. My heart was racing.

My dogs started barking to be let back in mid-set. I finished that set and let them in. I finished the routine and poured a glass of water. I picked up my phone and checked Twitter. I was greeted with the myriad of idiots I was ignorant enough to follow. My dogs were staring out the windows checking for possible trespassers. I decided to join them. They begged to go outside. I let them out.

I read more Twitter and caught wind of random happening across the world. I read a few news reports. Teachers are fucking their students and going to jail. Someone that worked for an airline tweeted a porn picture. Everyone assumes it was an accident. Chicago had a weekend of violence. Thirty-something cases of shootings. I read that protesters in Ukraine were once again pissed.

I skimmed through a handful of reports I still don’t understand. I tuned into the current song playing on my iTunes. I said the words aloud. It was a song I linked at the end of my last post.

“There is a god in man. And in nature. He who sits in the dark is the bringer of light.”

I thought about this for a moment. Just like anything else, it can be interpreted in many ways.  The more I think about it the more I like it. I reflected on a few things related to this. I stood up and flexed in the mirror. I admired the progress again.

Once again I was lost in my own world. I turned off the music.

I walked back outside. It was still cold. I was still covered in sweat. I watched the clouds move across the sky.

—————–

Hers are the translated lyrics of this song.

Another Time

A faraway prayer carried by the evening wind
Animates the leaves in their languorous dance
It’s the hymn of the old trees, sung for you
For those somber forests which are now asleep
So many seasons have passed without waiting for us
The golden leaves falling to the ground to die
Will someday come back to life beneath a radiant sky
But our eroded world will remain the same
And tomorrow, you and I will be gone